I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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