they said they heard you say put it in my butt
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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