imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
