ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
