i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
