So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
where are my eyebrows?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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