Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
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I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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