Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i love accidental penises.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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