my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
