she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
