I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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