You can't special order awesome
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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