I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
