i can't believe i had my finger in that
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
