I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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