new low.... made out with someone while peeing
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
