Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
