The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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