I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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