my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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