Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
