when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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