I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
