rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Randomize
