I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
