remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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