those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
