The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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