Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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