My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
