I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
