Michael Bay diarrhea
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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