shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
