Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize