Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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