Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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