so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
