i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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