the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
