The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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