my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
