i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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