i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
