No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
