but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
