You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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