Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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