everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
they're like a gay fantastic four
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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