As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
