Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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