just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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