remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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