Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
