Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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