I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
