I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
