just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife š¬
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
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